The Holidays

The last few months have been... eventful. The combination of holidays and other life changing events made the time move right along. I also stopped reading blogs at work, which really put a dent in my writing time as well. Anyway, Christmas has finally come and gone. And I have lots of fun new things to use and find storage space for and enjoy. I've been very blessed and healthy this year. Things have occasionally been rough, but overall life is good. I am VERY lucky and I'm incredibly grateful for the life I've been able to make for myself. I hope that this next year is as generous in it's bounty...
I hope you've all had wonderful holidays and a great end to 2011.

Update.

I’m very slowly getting better at the waiting game. I just have to remind myself that eventually it will all pan out the way it’s supposed to happen. Right?

It is the way it is. Therefore that’s the way it should be. Until I change it. And then THAT’s the way it should be.

“It will be fine.”  That little phrase is my mantra… or my motto. I’m not sure which. I just know that it makes me feel better and calms me down when I start to freak out about possible negative outcomes. And as my husband will surely vouch, anything that calms me down is a good thing. I’ve been waiting to hear back on an interview I had last week. But in the mean time I’ve set up two more appointments this week for some other positions that look pretty good. I find that moving forward really helps me stay in a positive frame of mind. That and keeping busy at home.

So I’ve been working on making sure the little chores get done. Y’know, washing the dishes right after you use them… straightening up the room on the way out of it (our bedroom doesn’t ever seem to benefit here)…picking up little pieces of trash… putting away craft supplies when I’m done. I’ve been doing pretty well. I also went out the other day on my back porch and as I was standing there enjoying the sunshine I noticed that my mint plant (that I thought had completely died) actually had tiny little buds. It’s apparently been warm enough to be growing! 

My sister is coming to visit this week. J I’m hoping to have a few other friends over…. And maybe carve some pumpkins…I think that’s all I’ve got for now. What are you planning on for this week?

The wait is over.

I didn’t get it.

It’s such a long wait just to hear bad news… And I know I’m not the only one. Though to be honest being rejected from a job application isn’t nearly as bad as being rejected after an audition. There’s something cold and calculated about job hunting.

For example: In the last month I’ve gotten 3 interviews (none of which worked out) and applied for over 70 jobs. 20 of those went to other people. I had 30 applications left as of this morning. After I heard the bad/sad news I went and applied to 20 more jobs. It really is personal. So the only thing I can do to balance out the bad is create more opportunity for good to happen. It’s hard work job hunting. But I know the right/BESTEST job is out there just waiting for me.

It’s all just a statistics game. The more resume’s I send out, the more likely it is I’ll get an interview. The more I mention the fact I’m job hunting to people around me, the more I’ll be referred to likely offices. It’s a patience game. Last time it took me 6 months. I’m hoping for a little shorter time frame this time around, but I’ll take what I can get. 

And to be fair I'm only looking at the U. So it does narrow my options a bit. I'm trying to stay realistic and optimistic at the same time. It can be quite the balancing act some days.

Housewife-ish duties...

I am proud to announce that I’ve been AWESOME at making dinner this week. Well, at least at planning dinner. Peter may have made some of the meals… For those of you who care to know: Monday we had baked trout with a sour cream sauce, asparagus risotto, and sautéed broccoli. Tuesday we had leftover asparagus risotto, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, steak, and baked potatoes. Wednesday we had baked parmesan chicken, baked potatoes, and sautéed garlic spinach.  I’ve been trying to limit my carbs… can you tell? And tonight… maybe fajitas. Without tortillas.

Nope. Scratch that. Peter will go grab some tortillas so we can do fajitas! Hurrah!

Anyway… the rest of the week is probably going to be all over the place due to Peter going to the “Game in a Day” competition at GEEX. I wish I could go too, but I have to work. L And now that our basement is all patched and repainted, I have major plans for moving furniture. If I can finagle it I want to make it to IKEA as well. I’m not sure that’s going to be manageable though. We’ll see. I still haven’t heard anything on the job front. It’s only been a week though. I’m trying to minimize the possible damage by imagining that I didn’t get the job. That and I’m continuing to apply for other positions. I’m still hoping I got it… but … that’s … yeah. It makes me too anxious to think about it at this point.

So I’m going to plan about reorganizing furniture, finally (maybe) hanging pictures, sleeping in, going to the library, and generally not doing anything else this weekend. What are your grand plans for the weekend?

Still...

I wish I had awesome news on the job front. Unfortunately I'm still waiting to hear.
On the upside, the interview did go really well. But then, I've always interviewed well. So I never know really what to take away from that. Hopefully I'll hear something by tomorrow. 

Moving on up. I hope.

There are things in life that we just can’t control.

I can accept that. I deal with it rather well in fact.

My personal mantra just happens to be, “It will all be okay.”

From my point of view: One way or another the end results will be survivable. Even death.

But the little things in life that we can control are numerous. We make small decisions and big decisions every day. I’ve decided that I need to find a new job that will work better with my family life. That is my decision. SO the frustrations that come with job hunting are my fault. And at any point I could change my mind and decide to keep my current job. Nothing is forcing me to change. I am choosing my change. That is the way that I’m comfortable living my life. I move forward at my pace and I hope that I make the best decisions possible. But sometimes when I’m standing at the edge of the unknown (or just prior to a job interview tomorrow) staring into the abyss of change, sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself.

Then I remember that coasting along isn’t fun. It’s not easy. I don’t grow that way. I don’t progress in life. I stagnate. I’ve gone about as far as my current job will take me. I need something more. So I’ll take a step into the darkness and see which direction the path leads. If I proceed with caution, hopefully it won’t be over a cliff. 

Procrastination Station

I've been parked here for a while now.
I keep looking for something interesting to read. Something to distract me and occupy another bit of time would be nice... And all the while I could be writing that something myself. I kept putting it off and yet the inevitable occurred and here I am. Writing.
To tell you all the things that have happened recently would take forever.
So instead, here are the things I'm looking forward to doing.
I get to visit with some of my sisters this weekend!
By this time next month I'm hoping to have purchased plane tickets for my youngest sister and my mom to come visit me at the end of January next year! I'm also hoping to figure out how to get the rest of my siblings and my dad out here. It's a long trip, but I'm hoping we can work all the details out.
I'm glad it's cooling off outside and now that my landlord put screens in my living room windows, I can enjoy it!!!
It's almost hot chocolate season. I need to restock my peppermint hot chocolate stash.
The holidays are right around the corner and I'm determined to make them stress free.
Those are some of the things I'm looking forward to now that fall is here...
What are you enjoying about the new season?

I have been slacking

However in my defense a lot of things have happened. It's hard to live life and document it at the same time I find.
My mom came to visit.
I'm an aunt now.
My sister lives less than an hour away from me now instead of 2 1/2 days.
I've decided to start job hunting for something a little more flexible.
I bought a couch!
My house is FINALLY starting to be put together and finished. Just a few more projects to go.
September is halfway over and fall is imminent. I'm loving the cooler weather, though I wish we could still have longer days. Life has such interesting tradeoffs.
I'm trying to start cooking more. Again.
I think it's the cooler weather allowing me to turn on the stove/oven that makes cooking more palatable.

Fall. It's the preparation for all those new beginnings.

Monday Money Managing

So you know those months where unexpected expenditures crop up right and left?
I'm in one of those months. And it's one more week until we get paid again. It's not that we're exactly struggling with it, but it's still unexpected. They were fun/necessary/good things to pay for, but it doesn't leave my bank acct looking quite so happy.
Lots of things in life aren't free. I know that. And I'm used to it. I just have to remind myself occasionally of what things I'm really glad I have the ability to facilitate.
Things like paying rent and all my other bills.
Helping my mom come visit my sister and her new baby.
Getting friends together to reminisce over old times.
 Buying a new couch. Maybe.

And because of the other things I'm doing with my monies, I'm debating that last item. Not "if" I should buy it, but when should I buy it? I've put it off due to lack of a place to put it, but now that I have room for it, I'm not sure we're in the best place financially to get it. We could wait for a few more paychecks, but I have a feeling the rate of use of our living room would significantly decrease. I'm not sure that's really a problem though. Only if we have visitors over.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I do know this. We'll manage.

Oh and do I get this one? or this one? or this one?

I dunno

I keep waiting for something interesting to happen on the internet... something along the lines of that scene in "The Incredibles" where the little neighbor kid exclaims, "Something Amazing, I guess!"
I keep on waiting.

In other news, I'm starting to look for a new job. Yup. That's right. I'm going to try find something a bit more flexible... leaning back towards shift work after a very long stint in the regular 8-5 work zone. Though honestly the longer I'm in the work force, the more I realize that I really dislike traditional jobs. I just don't last very long before I'm bored or frustrated with others around me.
Life and bills require that I work. Mostly because I don't want to live with family. Living with other people is always cheaper it seems, but it is definitely emotionally harder. So if I want to keep on living the way I am (independently) then I have to work. I refuse however to be unhappy in my employment. I'll find something that works well for me and keeps me emotionally stable and sane. So watch out for updates on the job hunt!
I hope the new school year is treating everyone else really well. So far for me it's made the public transit in the morning very unreliable. Yay.

Turning into Fall

I'm gradually noticing the shorter days and the cooler nights.
But more importantly, you know fall is here because school is starting again. There are new students everywhere. Most people look a bit lost. The walkways and buses are getting crowded again. Summer is almost over and I hardly feel like it began this year. It's been a busy season with work and play overlapping at every possible chance it seems. We're halfway through August and all of a sudden there's only 4 months left in the year. Months that will probably fly by. There's at least one major holiday each month and we all know that holiday weekends really help the time fly by too quickly.
I'm looking forward to establishing a new routine and hopefully getting out a bit more to enjoy the fall weather before it turns really cold.

OH!

So I believe it's going to work this time! What a lovely surprise.
After a few weeks of intermittent posting due to technical glitches and a week of being violently congested I'm back.
And of course as soon as I got back to work last week, my computer developed another virus. Or 70. Apparently the old virus program wasn't working so well. But now, with my sparklingly clean hard drive and updated systems, apparently Blogger has decided to work for me as well. I just hope this serendipitous moment lasts.
So quick update: The house is still a mess, but we're slowly getting the pantry in order. Pictures will come later I swear! Just a few more weeks and I'll have a living room! And hopefully a new nephew.
 But more importantly I'll be able to get a couch and finish decorating my living room. :)
School is about to start up again in a week or two, so I have to prepare myself to lose dear hubbin to an onslaught of PhD schoolwork. On my end work is actually calming down so that will be a nice break. I really need to get on the ball with projects and keeping up with housework. I have two aprons to sew, a few paintings to finish, pictures to hang, and a few more rooms to finish organizing. On the upside, I've had a very relaxing and lazy summer.
I hope that as we get ready for summer to end I can transition as gracefully into fall as summer did...

http://greenerconsumers.blogspot.com/ Read my most recent post there...

Do you work yet Blogger?

Blogger still won't let me post anything but a title...

New Post

TV Habits

Peter and I are in the habit of watching series together... How bad is it? Pretty bad.
We're in the middle of season 3 of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
We've seen ALL of the Bones episodes together. Not to mention owning all of them!
We watched a couple of seasons of Black Adder.
And of course we watched Firefly and Serenity together. 
Really though I'm a huge fan of all kinds of media. Art, television, books, newsprint, magazines, movies, live shows, and internet stuff. I will consume ALL of it with enough time.
Thankfully I do have other responsibilities and social activities to take me away from the mind suck that is today's media.
I've learned to be more selective.
Although I love Criminal Minds, I can't watch it on a regular basis due to the psychological effect it has on me.
I really liked House for a while, but then it took a very negative/convoluted turn... so I stopped.
I LOVE So You Think You Can Dance (Peter doesn't. Imagine that.) but since I lost my watching buddy (Em, why oh why did you have to leave me??) I haven't been a consistent watcher. I'll catch up, but I'm also not as invested. Except in Melanie. I really like that girl.
I've been seeing other nerdy TV shows that I want to watch, but how do you choose? What shows do you invest your precious time in? What do you do while you're watching TV? Or do you just watch?

Painting

So I had an impromptu art session with my sister last night... and while she at least covered her whole canvas, I didn't even get that far.
I have the beginning of a picture. I have a lot of blank canvas left. And while I don't know what to put in the rest of the available space, I know it's not done. It's got some dark green, some black... a bit of silver and a bit of gold... all surrounding this big blank spot. I know I'll think of what should go there, but for now I'm content letting it rest unfinished I suppose.

Along with not having my house put together.
Or anything decorated.
Or ever actually buying furniture to sit on in my living room.

I'm okay with letting it lie until I'm ready.

Staying up too late

How is it that your body knows so easily when it is out of balance, even though your mind insists that you're fine. I stayed up too late last night. Way too late.
And my body is punishing me for my insolence. I'll have to pay my penance by retiring early tonight.

Summer moves all too quickly as an adult. I can see the summer days passing, but I'm missing out on so many of them while I'm here in the office working. While making ends meet, I think we humans really miss the beauty of life. What it means to be alive. We miss sunrises and sunsets and are "productive" in the hours between all in the name of stuff.
Stuff that I dearly appreciate, but sometimes I think I appreciate it a bit too much. Other time's I'm really glad I can buy these sandals... and this dress (in black of course)!

Life has been.

Absolutely crazy.
I keep forgetting to post due to holidays and a massive amount of to-dos at work.
Things are still going pretty well. everyone has made it through the madness with their limbs intact so far as I can tell.

I hope everyone has/is having an excellent summer. I thoroughly enjoyed my long weekend. It would have been better if I could have been a hermit. Alack alas... family things called. And we answered. A national holiday and two birthdays worth of events, but we got through it!

Peter's older now. Ta-Da!

I'm not really ready for the year to be half over, but July seems to be on it's way out already! Time is certainly not slowing down any for me. I suppose I'll just have to adjust.

Tweeters

I want to know. What is SO great about tweeting? Twitter seems to be fairly ubiquitous, and yet extremely exclusive if you're not involved. It's one of "those" things. Tech that I don't understand/am not quite a part of. Yet. I've been considering it. More and more.
I'm thinking about dropping FB and picking up more on blogs and twitter.
I hardly get any useful information out of Facebook anymore, except for occasionally a pregnancy announcement or a random "hey I'm moving" sort of thing. Which I certainly do appreciate knowing, but honestly... If we talked on the phone or actually wrote each other (meaning really consistent friends) I should already know that!
And I find out far more information through blogs at the moment anyway. Maybe it's just that twitter is all about one liners and therefore hold far more humor potentiality. Maybe that's why I'm thinking about it. But do I want to know the little random things about where people are and what they're doing/breathing/eating/etc?

I must ponder this some more.

Work work work

I've been busy away from the computer a lot lately it seems. I've neglected a lot of different things in favor of sleep.
But my little plants keep growing without me! Except for when I forget to water them. Then they wilt a bit in the heat. Luckily I've remembered to check on them every few days so far.

The mint is flourishing in the shade, but I'm thinking of repotting the other herbs one more time into individual pots. The booklet I received from a Kickstarter project there in the center says that repotting more than once is a no no... but I think I'm going to have to do it. Looking through the booklet, there's lots of cool information on urban gardening. Some I'm not so interested in... like composting and worm bins. I know they're both really good things... but... ick. Maybe next year. Other projects I would be interested in trying. Like a Salad Table. And maybe some large potted veggies. We'll see!

For now I'm just enjoying the blue skies and sunshine!

 

It's been crazy...

And really hot at work.

I got tired of having to pull my hair out of the way.

So I cut my hair.

No worries. I didn't cut it myself. I got it cut at a very cute little salon.

5 whole DAYS

I haven't blogged in a while.
Mostly because of the lack of notable things happening. That and I keep forgetting to take pictures of some things.
Like my herbs growing.
And the crazy rainstorm we had yesterday.
And the cool new booklet I got about urban gardening.

There are so many nifty little things that happen. And then I forget to blog about them. But one day... I'll get around to it!

Midweek

It's a tragedy that American's are obsessed with "making it". "It" usually being money and power through money or status. I think of other corners of the world where life is more important than our jobs. Life is more than our work.  I think of how much time I spend here at this desk and I wonder how much happier I would be if I chose to be a little poorer and used my time to a more fulfilling purpose.
But work can be fulfilling. I work to provide for me and mine. Yet I earn far more than our needs require for now. I'm working so I will be comfortable in the future. I work to not work eventually. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we so gladly hop on the treadmill of corporate security and steady paychecks?

I'm glad I actually like my job most days. I'm glad I'm good at what I do. I'm glad someone wants to help me with health insurance (such a ridiculous scam...) and wants to pay me for my time.

But to be honest I would prefer to actually spend my time without paperwork or bureaucracy. I would like to stay home and work on creating wonderful beautiful people and things. Who wouldn't?

Most days I don't think about this sort of thing, but the clear blue sky is making me think of what it would be like ... Someday.

Not too Shabby

I feel like... awesome and tired all at once. Tired, because I stayed up far to late to talk with friends. One of whom was Em. And she's leaving me. Moving home. WHY?? Ah life. I suppose I'll have to change the blog name to something else more reflective of the new situation. Me without Em. Sad day.
The awesome comes in, because there was a little note in my inbox informing me that I'd won a Shabby Apple dress giveaway! I never win things like this. In fact one of the few reasons that I comment on people's blogs is because I realize that for them it's a source of income. And I want to encourage and help them out with their endeavors. Also: who doesn't want a free  (anything) !!! And for once I actually won. SO cool.

I guess it won't be an off day after all.

Tut tut thursday

It's unfortunate that I've been so tired after our big move to the new apt. Because there's still a lot to be done. And I've gotten about... 5% of it finished. Anything else that's been completed was probably done by Peter.
I have nails to hang pictures. I have shelves to put things on. I have the time. Not the energy.
But today I'm ignoring all the things I'm supposed to be doing and going to see a friend in his show. It's summer, and I'm cutting myself some slack. I'm not going to worry. I'm not going to stress. It'll all get done eventually.

And then something else will change! Ah life.

Mawwiage...It's what...

Does getting married really make everyone come together?
Weddings are wonderful celebrations. They make great parties. Great food/desserts. Great clothes.
And hopefully great couples.

I know a couple of people who got married recently. And I really wonder if they're going to make it. I knew them separately, from different times of my life. Before anyone was "adult" or considering marriage (read: irresponsible). I sincerely hope that they've grown in ways that will complement and complete each other. That's what you hope for any marriage.

I've known lots of people with divorced parents. As I've grown and gotten married myself, more and more of my friends are tying and buying into the marriage knot. And unfortunately a portion of those have already found that they didn't make the right decision somewhere along the way and are now divorced.

Numerous pop culture and classic stories have been written about this goal of marriage. All asking the same question in one way or another. . . Is it worth it?

I know it is and has been for me, worth every second. I really hope Peter agrees.

But what makes it stick? Because I'm really hoping we have that too.

THE piano

 So I was supposed to purchase Em's keyboard because she's moving home. I didn't. Instead I fulfilled one of my longed/hoped/dreamed of wish list items. I bought a piano. Not a baby grand or anything like that mind you. Just a small spinet sized upright family piano. And I love it. It needs a little tuning. It needs a permanent home. And I intend to provide it both of those things. To the right you can see where it will eventually live. All the way over in that corner. And below you can see a bit closer view of the pretty little details.

Midweek

I can't... I have a hard time knowing it's June. It doesn't feel like June. Especially in our new apartment. It's not swelteringly hot. In fact, it's really, really cold. I'm still layering blankets cold. Basements can do that.

I still haven't sorted out everything in the new place, and I'm not sure where things are, but we're slowly making progress. I have a hallway and a few rooms to put in order. Once we've got that done I'll have to focus a little more on getting things decorated and a bit more homey. We'll get there. No rush.

Tuesday is Monday

I know the holiday is going to screw me up ALL week.
How is it that May is almost over? June starts tomorrow folks.
This "spring"/delayed winter is just all over the place.
And yesterday for Memorial Day I ended up taking a VERY long (unintended) walk. Luckily it ended at a favorite fro-yo shop. Tasty delicious.

Breaking the silence

So Peter and I have had some discussions on The BIG when... are we going to discuss our children here on the blog.
Not that we have any currently.

But I'm curious to find out what you all think about the topic. Is it okay that our generation's kids are going to grow up being defined by what their parents have written about them since they were barely conceived? Or is it perfectly within the domain of parental rights (extension of bragging) to blog/post/update on our children?
When does it stop being talking about your pregnant body and start being about your fetus?

Does this even matter?

But to really bury the lead here, I wasn't sure when or where or how I wanted to discuss the fact that last fall I experienced a "complete abortion" according to the ER documents. I miscarried. I was pregnant and then I wasn't. It was the worst time of my life to date. I'm sure it won't be the last, but it was the first. No one told me to expect it. No one told me it was common. 30% of KNOWN pregnancies end this way. It's not something people want to talk about. No one wants to temper the happy moments by saying, don't get your hopes too high that you might actually get a baby. It sucks. I've mostly healed emotionally. I've healed physically. It's one of the many bumps in the road. It taught me a lot about me and my body and my marriage. And I just want to say that I'm here and I've been there. If you have any questions or comments, I don't mind talking about it. And I think it should be talked about. Because it's heart wrenching to feel alone with that sort of pain.

There are millions of women and men who share this grief. We are out here. And we love you.

Beautiful weather...

I almost feel bad being grateful for the beautiful, warm, sunny weather. There are definitely some people here in UT who are going to be suffering more once it warms up and the snowcap starts to melt. Thankfully, I'm not one of them, I don't think. But at least there's been plenty of warning and lots of preparation. I really hope it works out well for everyone.

I'm going to take advantage of the weather and hopefully finish up moving all the little/big things that are left hanging out at my old apartment. Then it's on to cleaning and making sure everything is still in good condition. Don't you just love moving?

I promise I'll get pictures up as soon as I remember to put batteries in my camera!

Spring is bustin' out...

And BOY is it wet. A little bit of sunshine sprinkled into the rain storms is helping  to mediate the rain, but I think that everyone is really starting to get tired of the dampness. This dry, dry desert just isn't used to all this humidity.

I know that some houses and locations in the valley are flooding and it's not fun for everyone, but I'm just grateful that the city isn't underwater. Unlike other parts of the country. The world really seems to be taking a beating from Mother Nature this year so far. There have been so many natural disasters.

Or maybe I'm just more aware of the news in other parts of the world now.

Maybe the problem is I get my news from Facebook. I keep debating about Facebook. Is it worth it? It's a huge waste of time usually. Do I really need to know that my husband's friend's wife's friend is having a crappy day at work? But there are times when I'm really grateful for it. Like the time that it let me know that an old acquaintance passed away, or the time that it told me my friends survived that tornado... I guess it has it's uses.

But I'm not always sure it's worth it. It seems less and less personal these days.

51 Weeks

A lot can happen in that much time, y'know?
Hopefully, some of these:
I'll finish moving into our new apartment
Peter will finish his thesis
We'll celebrate a few important holidays at OUR house!
I'll really stop biting my nails
I'll get a raise... maybe.
I'll get outside and see the sun and soak up a tan
Some lazy summer/fall evenings and some cozy winter days
A baby-maybe.
Peter will start his PhD at some point...
I'll become a super crafty and organized person.
After one year of living in our new house it will really be ours
And it will be coherently and cohesively decorated.
And in 51 weeks thereabouts, I'll be another year older.

So for a belated birthday celebration, I'm having a barbeque. Regardless of whether or not the weather agrees with me. Though I'd really like it if it did...

Startle me.

So Rain/snow/rain/Sun Tuesday blended right into rain ALL day Wednesday. So yesterday I spent my time walking back and forth in the rain. With loads of my belongings. Interrupted by a rather HUGE load of my sister/brother-in law's belongings. Which has overtaken my previously empty living room. As we settle more things into our apartment everyday It's nice to feel more at home. Safer. Isn't it funny how belongings make us feel better?

It's been an interesting few days living in between. We're slowly fixing that and really getting settled. But it'll be a little while until I can get used to the new house's sounds.

Rainy Days and Mondays....

Well it's not Monday, but it is rather rainy...
I like the rain. I like that it's keeping the weather cool.
I dislike that it's much harder to move things and keep them dry.
Rain... Please stop by the end of the work day.
Sincerely, Me
P.S. You really can't rain tomorrow. I have to move a bed... and other furniture. I really don't want to get my mattress soaked.

In other news, the grass is looking fantastic.

*Update: I turned around and it was snowing HUGE fat white SNOWFLAKES... I mean seriously? It did this for maybe an hour and then proceeded to clear up into a beautiful blue sky. 
Utah.

The last time it'll be clean.

This is proof that once upon a time this apartment was clean. Because we hadn't moved in yet. It'll never be this clean again. So without further ado... some snapshots. 

So here's the living room with a glimpse of the awesome stained glass window. There on the left you can see Peter heading into the galley kitchen.

 

The kitchen as you can see leads through to a multipurpose/mud room. It's going to be an extension of our kitchen most likely.  And through that room you can go out onto our awesome deck. With a bbq. Okay. Then you can turn around and head downstairs...

 The first bedroom/eventually nursery/kid's room, the "master" bedroom and then Peter's office...

 And of course the view from the street.

 If only we could actually afford a house... but this will satiate my need for a house for a little while longer until we've saved up what we need.

It's my birthday...

Tomorrow. I'm turning older tomorrow. So I'm not going to be at work. I'm going to have a lazy day hopefully filled with a tidy house(maybe), not worrying about it regardless... food, sleep, friends, and family. And did I mention food?
Oh yes.

Repotting

Like my husband and I, my herbs were growing out of their little pots. Or more accurately I was too impatient to wait for them any longer and I wanted to re-pot them. So Monday I moved my little herbs to a new home.

As I've never done this before and I only had one pot, I'm not really sure if it's okay to put them all together.
I suppose it'll have to be okay unless I want to repot them again. I was worried a little about killing them, but two days later they're still green and upright. So I'm hoping they make it!!

The other pot of mint is getting quite tall as well. I'm going to have to start making mint limeade as soon as it gets warm. Anyone know just how big/much a mint plant will spread? I'm just a little curious.

Moving on up...

It's true. I'm moving. One whole block. I'm super excited though, because we're effectively doubling our space. It's another lovely subdivided house, but this one has lots of perks.
Like a deck with a barbeque. A huge hardwood floor living room. A mud room (yes please!!). Enough bedrooms for us to have an office and a guest bedroom...
But my absolute favorite: A washer and dryer.

The kitchen is a tiny galley kitchen, but I don't mind because it has a window... There's plenty of light on the main floor, which I love. And the basement is perfectly suited to Peter's work habits.

I'm rather disappointed that Em won't really be around to help us break in the house, as she's moving home to "The Midwest". I'll have to do lots of projects and be really social to make up for no more Bones/no more Em.  I'll have to rename the blog too. :( I'm sure we'll figure it out. But first, I'll need a new clever name...

Or I could just watch Firefly again. And decorate my new house. And miss Em.

I promise pictures of the house by next week though.

Plans

I am a big planner. But.. and this is a big one: I am NOT a good waiter... I'm really bad at waiting I mean.

Anyway, I've been looking for an apartment for us to move into. A bigger one. Mostly because well, we need room to grow. Also we need a real office space and a real living room. One that's not dominated by my sister's bed and the TV. Preferably one without a TV. I'm talking about a place to have babies and grow our family. And guess what: I'm really hoping I found it. Just a block away from where we are right now. And 3 bedrooms. Woot. Hopefully we can go check it out tomorrow and work all the details out. I really hope that it's as good as it sounds. Because I'd love to stay in our ward. I'd love to stay on this bus line. Things work out the way they're supposed to.. right? Well then let's hope this is supposed to happen.

Bones night

I've got a feelin'...

That I'm making fajitas tonight! Woot! It's time for our weekly (when it's not being delayed by other stupid shows) celebration of all forensic scientist/ FBI duos. Namely Brennan and Booth. I hear that baby talk is being renewed this week for Brennan. Probably because Emily is actually pregnant.  Meanwhile Angela's fake pregnancy continues to be worrisome. I'm sorry, but I don't know a single pregnant woman with a hundred percent carefree gestation. Humans worry. Especially about progeny.

Anyways I'm super excited for Bones.

Annnnndddd my birthday is in a week and a day. So I'm going to buy myself a present. Tradition dictates that it be something for the kitchen... But what to buy? I have matching pots and pans, matching mixing bowls and measuring spoons/cups, I have matching dishes/silverware/cups...

So do I purchase the $70 pasta machine?
Or the $130 Le Creuset pot....

Decisions decisions...

Whoops!

Somehow I made it to Wednesday without writing. WEIRD. Anyhow I have some fun (sortof) photos!

 As Peter so kindly put it, "It doesn't look all bushy anymore!" I'm so glad I've managed to encourage even a little growth. Hopefully this little pot will be able to support my mint habit. :) I've a rather addictive fondness for mint limeade. The darn guys at the farmers market make it so well, but I just can't afford it at $4 a glass.
In other horticultural news:

They're growing! Just a few more inches and I'll need to transplant them out of their little cute pots. Hopefully soon I won't have to buy these herbs... just pick them fresh!

 So remember how last Tuesday Peter and I went to Joanne's to pick out fabric and notions for some aprons? Well, while I was there I picked up some of this: 1/4" elastic in black and 1/4" elastic in white.


I hate tying shoelaces, because it takes SO long. Okay, not really, I just find it an inefficient way to secure shoes to your feet. Mostly because I dislike shoes and I want to be able to get them on and off quickly.
So I did this!

You'd better believe that all my tennis shoes are going to be getting this treatment. No more untied shoelaces to trip over, and now they're as easy to wear as sandals. Also: my children may never learn how to tie shoes. But that's okay with me. Just as long as they keep making elastic forever.

Okay, Okay

I indulged in a little retail therapy on Tuesday. I know I said that I was going to put off purchasing the materials for my next project until payday, but I didn't resist the urge. Especially when Peter said he'd go with me to pick up what I wanted. So we figured out the bus route down to the closest JoAnn's. I met him at home after work and then we took a little bus ride... We ended up picking out fabric and notions to make our own HP aprons. Though they won't look exactly like hers, I have faith that they're going to end up VERY cool. Maybe not as cutesy. I also picked up some velcro to (hopefully) repair Peter's sandals, and some other random things, because craft stores do that to me.

I'll be sure and post step by step  photos of what I do end up making. I'm looking forward to Bones tonight. Especially since it will actually be Bones and not "Finder" with a side of Bones. Here's to hoping they actually have a case!

Weather: F - , Me: A +

Seriously weather? Are you joking? Today I've seen hail, snow, rain, sunshine and then more snow flurries. If any weather, all we should be getting is spring showers according to the calendar. But you? No, not you. Like a rebel teenager you don't realize that the proper time and place is not a terrible thing.
All I wanted was a nice spring segue into summer. I guess not this year.

In other news I've decided to stock up on my craft supplies. I ordered some canvases and a pretty large box of paint. :)
Next paycheck I'm probably going to be stocking up on sewing supplies.

I love pretty much anything I can make myself. The process of creation is so cathartic and unique to what I decide to do with the supplies. Once we do get into a house of our own, I fully expect to purchase some larger saws and tools to build things.
Projects. They make the world a better place.

I'm thinking of making this for a friend... because I might make one for me... So while I'm at it I should make one for her... Though hers might be a little more Bellatrix themed.

I'm trying to think up Halloween costumes for me and Peter. Hopefully something I can make. Nerdy, preferably.

I'm thinking of doing some monochromatic abstract paintings. Because who can tell when you mess up if you're just splattering paint everywhere anyway.

And someday soon I want to try making a Firefly plaque like this one.

I just may have to buy some more fun art stuff...

Easter Extravaganza - Eggs.

So Peter and I headed down to Springville for some early Easter festivities with his mom. Basically: dyeing eggs + food = festivities. I'm rather proud of the way they turned out.

So of course with all the lovely shades of each color we had to arrange them according to saturation levels. ..

The traditional method as you all know can be quite messy. But we made it through without too much of a catastrophe striking.

 Ninja egg... you can see here with his rubberband-headbands and his squinty wax eyes and mouth.

 Finished! I have to say I think he turned out fantastically. I love him and I'll be sad to eat him. Though I'm looking forward to egg salad sandwiches.My other favorite egg = Brown Egg + Rubber bands + Wax + Green Dye.

Summer Dreams

I need to come up with a to-do list for the summer. Last year passed by SO quickly. We have lots that we're supposed to do already this year, but I'm thinking a want-to-do list is in order.

Swimming: I love water. It's the best exercise/sport for me. If only I could swim on a regular basis. I want to go at least once a month. Yeah.
Eat fresh: Veggies and local food from the Farmer's Market or a CSA is a must this year!
Also I want to make bread.
Go on more evening walks when it's finally cooled down after the midday heat.
Leave the state at least once. I don't care where we go or for how long, I just want to spend some time outside of UT.
Grow something: Herbs or flowers or something. Mold in my fridge does NOT count. Neither do dustbunnies.
Create an art space in my house: A place to be messy where screw ups and mistakes are good.
Eliminate useless stuff: Throw out or donate things that I don't need that clutter up my tiny house.
Be happy. 
Go someplace green. VERY green. 

Greener than this.

Yup. I think that's a good list for now.

End of the week

I realize it's actually Tuesday. I happen to think that it's Thursday.
I know it's only 9:37 am. It seems as though it should be at least noon already.
Time: Why are you so confusing?

Luckily, I'm caught up here at work and I only have a few non-urgent projects to work on. Which is good, because my focus is all over the place.

Peter and I reorganized the other day. We made him an office in my favorite room of the house. Which means that I now have room in our bedroom to make a workspace/craft space for me.
So now I have to decide what exactly I want to do with this space. I know I need room for at least one work table. But I need room for crafty/artsy stuff too. Also I need storage space for tools, gadgets, and supplies.
But what sort of crafty things should I be focusing on? Photography? Writing? Sketching or Painting? Sewing? I need this all to be practical and interesting... I just have to narrow down my focus so I can really delve into the area I want to be working in.

If only I knew where to start.

Green Things

I'm hoping this year to be able to grow a little indoor herb garden.
I bought these little starter pots at Target for that reason, and let me tell you... SO fun to watch the little insta-dirt tablet quadruple in size. :)

Aren't they the cutest little pots?

So hopefully I'll have a green thumb this year.
And  I'm really glad it warmed up, I'm loving the rain instead of snow. Hopefully everything will be green for a while now.

Sun

Finally! A little sunshine!!!

:( Now I feel the need to clean my windows.

Ah well. I'll just open them instead. If we could just continue on like this for a few more months and really enjoy spring ... Let's not get ahead of ourselves and jump into summer. Okay Utah?

125

I turn 25 this year. Gasp. Shock. Awe. I'm getting older just like everyone else.
I just realized I follow 125 blogs.
This is my 126th blog post.

I clearly need to follow another blog! Or not care. Hmmmm.
Not caring wins again!
Also, I'm really glad not everyone posts everyday. It's a bit much to sort through, though I manage it easily enough. After all there's always enough time on the interwebs.
Though I have been neglecting it recently in favor of real work, real play, and real relaxation.
Funny how that works.

Spotty

So I've become far more erratic in posting, as you probably haven't noticed.
Yesterday we went skiing again. Yup. AGAIN.
And I didn't die. Again!!!
I'm pretty much a gold medal winner by now. Or at least a gold star. :)

It's spring.
But due to the fact that it's been snowing, yesterday and today, I'm really not feeling springy.
Yeah, Utah really hasn't caught that little fact.
But I've officially decided that I want to rent a tiny little house in our neighborhood with a yard I can do little gardeny things in. Now if only someone would put their house up for rent! That would be amazing... So amazing. Maybe soon. We'll see.
I hope you all have wonderful weekends. Sleep plenty and feel awake when you're up!

I'm Glad!

This phrase I use frequently.
Sometimes I use it sarcastically and sometimes I use it to mean I'm happy.
Rarely do I use it correctly.
What is it to be glad? How do we tell the difference in our state of being that determines what emotion we're feeling? I'm really not sure.
Em is moving out of the state. I may have to change my blog name as I will no longer be able to go on adventures with her. :( I'm not glad for me, but I am glad for her. Being closer to family can be such a good thing.
My family is slowly, person by person, moving closer to me. I am glad for them AND me. I'm a little sorry for them.
There are lots of things in my life to be glad about. So why aren't I glad more often? Because I let the little things get in the way. I'm working on that though. And I'm GLAD.

Isn't glad such a weird word?

Weird things

Strange things that happened over the weekend.
I saw David Archuleta at the Mall. Not performing or anything. Just walking around....
I saw three movies in three days. The Adjustment Bureau, Rango, and Jane Eyre. Jane Eyre was by FAR my favorite. Though Em doesn't like it. :(

I found out that my sister and brother in law are moving here - ish. Much much closer than before at least.
My other sister got a full time job. Yay!!!
I realized yesterday that I wanted a green salad. VERY strange.So much so that I ate two of them.
Also: Oranges.

Okay, so not all of those are weird. And not all of them happened on the weekend. But they are all things that happened since I last blogged.

The Adjustment Bureau

I saw this yesterday... ALL BY MYSELF. I find I'm by myself a lot, but it's increasingly rare that I take the time to DO something alone. If I'm doing something I usually bring along Peter, or Em (Yay Em!) or my sister... or another friend, etc. For example: Last weekend it wasn't enough to go to Logan. We (Peter and I) rented a car and brought along Emma to go visit friends. We don't leave the city very often so I felt the need to make it into an "event". And it was fun. Amazingly so.
But yesterday i was left to my own devices. So I picked a movie and went.
And this particular movie is all about decisions. Commitments. Choosing your own destiny. Making it so. hehe...
I liked the treatment of the plot until the last 5 minutes. It's like the screenwriters forget that we don't always need the moral subtext hammered into us. It would have been a much better movie if it had just ended a minute or two earlier.
Oh... And Emily Blunt and Matt Damon are rather easy on the eyes. That helps.

Steps of Grief

So I was reading this article that was discussing the steps of grief, and how you can experience them in any order.
The article listed them as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I can see how we go through each of these when we are grieving, but more to my point... Aren't these the steps of life? I feel a little of this every day. Denial that I need to exercise more often, anger when that one person rushed me, bargaining with myself over what I can and cannot do, depression that I didn't finish everything on my to do list quickly enough... acceptance that I'm doing the best I can.

So I'm just not sure why we aren't better equipped to handle grief. Why is it all so shocking still?

Weather:Whether

Weather or not... Whether or not...
Is that why we say that?
Because today's weather certainly could get me down. All grey and cloudy. It really is a good thing that my life is not dependent on the weather. Yet... at the same time it has such an impact doesn't it...
Today is a quiet thinking day perhaps. Yes. Mellow. Curl up and read a book. Maybe break out the hot chocolate. Build forts and nests of pillows. Yes. It's one of those days. Today is an ellipse...

Chocolate...

Here at my desk in my snack drawer... I now have a bag of chocolate covered almonds, Milano (Double Chocolate) Pepperidge Farm cookies, Double Dark Chocolate Nantucket cookies (also PF), pitted prunes, dried sweetened pineapple, a box of microwave popcorn, a single serving of oatmeal, Ritz crackers, candy corn pumpkins and some conversation hearts. . . . Oh and a Cadbury egg.

If we have a disaster... head for my "snack" drawer.

Create

I don't do many crafty things at the moment. A lot of that has to do with space. I don't really have the room to pull out the mountains of scrapbooking things I want to do... or the art supplies for sketching and maybe one day painting... not to mention a table I can sit at and sew with sunlight streaming in... I just don't really have the space. But recently Peter and I undertook a project that a friend of ours did first. Leah made this. And we blatantly copied her brilliant idea. With one addition. We laminated it.

As you can see, one side has a lighter outline so they can copy it and the other is blank so they can draw what they want. We're hoping one adorable little girl will really love this activity for her big 4th birthday coming up very soon. We're excited to give it to her to see... 

Indecision

All of me is indecisive.
Do I ? Do I not.
Also: I have no idea where I'll be in the next year, let alone 5 or 10. So don't even bother asking.

Moving

No. I'm not moving.
I'm still here.
But the thing is, it was pointed out to me recently....
that as adults making "decent" money, Peter and I have the option of looking into buying  a house.
This is weird.
Also... I don't think we can really afford a house in the area that we want to live in.
So there's that.
but the fact that it's an option... is just strange.

Motivation

I haven't exactly been motivated about blogging lately.
It's journaling with an unknown audience.
And so much of my life is already known.
Do more people really need to be thinking about me?
Do I need to be thinking more about me?
Instead of increasing my online presence, should I be eliminating it?
What would I do without all these gadgets i love so much?
What could I accomplish?

Today I paid off one of my very high interest loans.... and tomorrow I'm going to pay a huge chunk of another one.
I'm making my way towards being out of debt and independent financially. Should I be doing the same with technology?

3/17

Happy St. Paddy's Day.
I'm just now realizing that it is in fact over halfway through March.
It's a "holiday" for us here in the US...not one that I've ever been very vigilant in observing.
I'm thinking... maybe some bubble and squeak for dinner tonight.. . Or maybe I'll go to the English bakery. I know it's not Irish, but we don't HAVE an Irish bakery.
Also, meat pies sound delicious. Because pastry and meat ARE delicious.
Though I would avoid the kidney if I were you.

Slow Day

It seems as though time is stretching and snapping. Things are happening so quickly that time is either slowing WAY down... or it has stopped.
And just when I think I've acclimated ... it snaps forward again.
Why oh why do you do this to me?
I'm pretty sure DST is having a negative effect on my sleeping patterns.

When the Week begins anew

Have you all seen the footage?
Have you heard the sirens?
Did you see the walls of water carry away floating buildings and vehicles?
Did you see the fireballs and explosions?
Are you watching?
Have you seen?
Before and After


Are you crying and hurting in your heart over how easily the world we know can be swept away?
How many thousands are yet to be found....
Tell the people you love that you love them.
Remember the people you've lost.

Photo from NY Times

Toshiyuki Tsunenari/Asahi Shimbun, via Associated Press

Be grateful for the life you are privileged to live.
Pray for those who are suffering.

All in a morning...

I don't know if you've heard, but there was an earthquake this morning. Huge. 8.9 magnitude. It is disrupting thousands of millions of lives. Absolute destruction.
And we humans think we're so powerful.
Then this little ole planet reminds us that there is much we cannot ever dream of controlling.
I grieve for all the lives lost in the face of this immense power. I hope for those who have literal chances of rebuilding in the aftermath.
Mostly though I am continually shocked at the ease of my day. Schadenfreude. I am so happy to not be them. I am so happy to go home to my wonderful husband. I am happy that my life will continue.

I am so sad that this will be easily forgotten.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/12/world/asia/12japan.html?ref=world
Watch the videos...and be grateful.

I am disinclined...

to blog. For whatever reason recently, I have been extremely tired. My back is popping like crazy... and I keep getting these little tension headaches.
I'm not really sure why, but I'm so focused on how I'm feeling that I keep being apathetic about blogging. So if you don't hear from me occasionally. . . That's why.

Draggin'

Falling asleep again is never a good idea. I mean the kind of falling asleep that you do in the mornings after your body wakes up on its own. The second wake up is agony. Always. I am tired today, because at 5 in the morning I forget this simple truth. It will bite you in the butt.
I still feel like I'm not really awake. I'm still just a little groggy.
Ice water helps. A little.
Mostly I think the only thing that is going to work is going home and crawling into bed.... and sleeping it off.
That sounds like heaven right now.

Twoooossssday

I was just thinking, "wouldn't it be nifty if it were two?" Nope. It's way better that it's 4:15. That means it's almost time for me to be heading out into the real world. The last few days have been a bit crazy. A very surprising winter snowstorm that all those skiers I know are just loving really turned my day upside down last night. But yesterday? Yesterday morning was all over the place. We had no power. No power = no blogging!

It was a good day, though the weather really is putting a damper on all that spring I'm feeling.
What are your plans to make today?

Heading into the Weekend

I've very few plans this weekend. I'm starting to realize that I love it that way. I love having free time to relax and sleep in. I like tidying up around my little home. I like eating random meals. I like doing little crafty projects that organize and decorate. But I don't want to schedule and plan only to feel at the end of the weekend like I accomplished so little.
So I do random things when I feel like it and realize that it's beautiful outside regardless of the weather.
At the end of the weekend I hopefully don't feel drained.
Here's to spontaneous fun and success. Enjoy your weekend. I plan on enjoying mine!
Also, even if you're not an American Idol fan... I'm a fan of this. 

Playing Around

I love games. My hubband loves games. Though we certainly do prefer different games over others... There are a few that we really love to play together. I love collecting new games. I prefer word and strategy games. Monopoly has long been a favorite of mine.
Peter has a well known love of videogames and a less indulged love of Axis and Allies.
We play games on the Wii/Xbox together and we play board games together.
I'm a competition junkie. I love dominating a game. These two traits do not always go well when playing with family. Winning or losing can be a nasty scenario. I can be self-congratulatory and overbearing which is really unpleasant... I can also be whiny and self-pitying that things didn't go my way.
Of course these scenarios are decidedly on the less grown up side of things and happen FAR less often now that I'm an adult. Heh. Heh... Maybe I just hide it better.
Which is why I find that playing games such as Monopoly, Scrabble, Battleship, and other strategy games are more fun when I'm playing a computer. I don't have to worry about the other person's feelings! I don't have to deal with an obstinate sibling who just won't trade! I deal with an AI algorithm that has rules to follow and no feelings to hurt.
But to be honest I miss the best part of any game. Playing with people. Conversation. Real strategy and planning. Taking the time to setup intricate boards and move around tiny little pieces.
I love that.
It's a good thing that I have both.

To blog or not to blog

There's a lot of opinions out there in the world...a lot of shoulds and shouldn'ts.
People always know whats "best" and what is "wrong."
I know people who HATE blogging and social networking. I also happen to be married to a man who has made it his life. Video games and social networking are literally his job.
I know some people who swear by epidurals and hospital births. I also know some that are 100% granola home-birthing hippies. I love them both.
There are so many extenuating circumstances in this world. There are so many options. And that is what makes great.
Why is it so easy to judge and sling "shoulds" around?

Monday Monday....

Tonight is gonna be a good good night.
I've just got that feeling. You know.
The past weekend was... successful. Friends, Food and lots of fun times.
I really enjoyed just letting things go. Relaxing.
I've got to finish up some projects soon and I see some deadlines looming.
Spring, I hope you're on your way.
Back to work I go!

Sunshine and lollipops

I'm planning on having a marvelous weekend. Regardless of what else happens, I am determined that come Monday I will be relaxed and ready for a new week. Reinvigorated and rested. I'm not actually sure what we have scheduled, but whatever happens I'm determined to have a good attitude.
I may have to watch a few pick me up movies and listen to peppy music, but if I have to I will! Oh, and I'm looking forward to having a few friends over too....

I could fall over dead

I am so tired. I fell asleep last night in plenty of time... I thought. This morning I woke up a bit late. And as a result I feel like the walking dead. Ice water and chocolate seem to be helping slightly. Whatever complicated projects I was planning on working on today are being postponed. Simple things only today. Nothing that requires a lot of thought. Hopefully this day will move a little faster after lunch, so that at least I feel like I'm accomplishing something.
Isn't that the best thing about an 8-5 job? Even if you're not super productive AT work... at least you went to work. You accomplished something today. Go you!

101

No I'm not teaching you beginner anything. It's my one hundred and first post.
There. I commemorated it.

Yesterday was one of the best day's I've had in a while.
Leisurely morning of Monopoly followed by all you can eat sushi, the asian food store, Cost-co, and then lots of games. More Monopoly and some Scrabble to top it all off.  I love 3 day weekends. Especially when they actually feel like weekends.

One Piece

I'm home and whole. It was fun... and really warm!! I don't think I've sweated that much in months. Anyway... I only fell down once and it wasn't my fault. Really!! My legs were killing me. I'm not cut out to use normal ski boots. My calves are too big. :) So I only did a few runs. But here's the thing. I didn't make a fool of myself.  So I consider it a success. We're going to start going more often I think. At least once more this season. Maybe twice. We'll see what our schedule allows. I'd like to get better at it and not hold everyone back on the bunny hill with me. Which, by the way, may have been my favorite part. I loved watching all the little ones learning to ski. They are adorable. And when they fall over... :) Is that mean?
Love
Peter's Ski Bunny...

Ficlets

For a little while AOL had a site called... ficlets. Short works of fiction. And I used it occasionally. I found them today in my email... and I thought I'd share them. It's been a few years. Some of these came from prompts and some were spun around photos. You don't have to read them. They're just here. Some I think are contrived and some I genuinely love. Just so you know. please be kind.

Rumor:

I knew I shouldn’t have done it.  But that hadn’t ever stopped me before.  Before I could stop myself, the words just flew out of me.  “She did IT!”
the gasp wasn’t audible…but the vacuum caused by what I had said permeated every corner.
Faster than it had begun, the network of whispers and flying fingers communicated my gaffe and her triumph to the rest of our graduating class. 
Laughing, she smacked me and tauntingly said, “Did what?”

Perfected Purgatory: I suppose they were beautiful.  But the truth is, they were too perfect.  The onslaught of pristine streets, homes, decorations… everything had been so subtle.  We’ll replace that with something better… we’ll replace that with something better…  And now the details that made unique people, people… they were disappearing.  And soon nothing would be the same.  Or rather, everything would be the same.  Perfect, Pristine, Paradise. 

Boulder Hill: The truth… they say it hurts. I find the vacant moments when you can’t help but let the silence crowd your soul …the truth creeps in.
and here’s the truth of my current situation.
I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. I don’t know who to talk to, or where to turn. My comfort zone has shrunk to a bulls eye, and all my darts are dull.
How long has it been since someone really listened. Really, it’s been too long. And making that moment change. Starting the boulder down the hill. all those things are scary, because you don’t know where the the boulder will go.
so I stand. and push. and push.
and at the last moment on the brink of disaster, I realize that where I’m at is no different from what I can see at the bottom of the hill. and so I leave the boulder at the top of the hill and roll…
I should have seen the briars.

Star-crossed Lovers: The rain pounded down around me as my umbrella threatened to rip itself away from my tightly clenched fist. Suddenly a gust of wind tugged the sheltering nylon up and away. Throwing my head back, I looked up at the dark sky to try and pinpoint where it had gone. In a flash through the raindrops I saw that dot of light that was her in my mind.
“Evie,” I’d said. “Every time you look at that star, I’m thinking about you.”
It was true as always. And as the rain soaked through the collar of my flimsy windbreaker memories of her flooded my mind. Memories of her dancing with her head thrown back and her arms welcoming the heaven sent blessings.
Then the rain reminded just where we were. I was here. And she had been ripped away from me as surely as the umbrella I’d just held moments ago.
Beautiful, brilliant, and just as untouchable as that summer.
But the star was there, and it would always be her.


Finished First: Laying in bed drowsily she smiled as her roommates excitedly chattered about what would happen. They eagerly flipped through the pages to find specific events, and stopped abruptly at their bookmarks.
Silence pervaded the atmosphere. As the sliding of pages slipped through the room, the steady whomp, whomp, whomp of the fan seemed to get louder.
From across the room a stifled squeal of excitement shattered the silence.
She smiled serenely, because she knew. She knew what happened, and that made for a very satisfying feeling.


Blushing Bride: She was his. Every single glowing inch of her. from the crown of her shimmering golden hair to the tips of her carefree bare toes.
Emily never thought she was beautiful. She was stupid that way.
But today, today no one- not one person within a mile of her could deny it.
Today Emily was beautiful.
The simple white dress spread out on the steps around her. It seemed to only accentuate the happiness that the rest of us could only bask in.


Blotted Musings: “she wondered just how long it would be until someone noticed she was gone.”
Just as he deftly punctuated the last sentence, the ink blotted.
That was the 6th manuscript ruined. Stupid blots. Stupid.
He had just gotten back into Carin’s head. The character had finally come back alive, and he had to blot it. Why could things never work out the way they did in stories? His mistakes were never the romantic hero type. He just had problems with penmanship and shipping. No duels, no secret trysts with lovely young maidens. Merely insignificant details in a dusty mote ridden workspace. He couldn’t even write well or fast enough to merit a window.
Forlornly sharpening a new pen nib, Ian went back to elaborately describing the suicidal plottings of his willowy ethereal Carin.


Nothing to Search For: I quietly slid behind the desk. Smoothing out my skirt I positioned my hand over the keyboard and quickly pressed the necessary keys. With a satisfying click I tapped the enter button and the screen hummed to life.
Looking at my reflection in the screen I asked myself why I was here. Quickly I recalled the past 5 months as if it had been a romance novel about some other woman.
What is so difficult about telling the truth? Why can’t people just be honest with each other? I had told him everything. What right did he have to keep anything from me? I had to know. It had been too long, and it was my right to know. Wasn’t it?
Silently I pulled up an search engine, my fingers got ahead of themselves. Absentmindedly hitting the enter key before anything had been entered, the machine whirred to life. Efficiently the computer reminded me, “Nothing to search for.” Maybe…maybe it was right. the hunk of metal, plastic, and random wiring was right. After years of blindness and months of deceit, there was nothing left.


Keeping the pieces: “NO!!! no, no, no…”
This couldn’t be happening to me! He was screaming at the men. He had no control. The first man turned to him, offering his hand. I struck out. He recoiled. Again he offered. Palm out. Something in the gesture stopped my rage. I looked into his face and the tears I saw unwept in his eyes convinced me. This man was not to blame.
Slowly I accepted the hand of “the enemy.” I turned and saw his companion gathering my brother into his arms. I wanted to scream, to leave him alone. He was all I had left and it was my job to protect him. Mine! It’s why we’re brothers. But this was different. I was used to fighting, grabbing for each piece of… of anything.
Now, the only remnants of home that I had were carried along by the strong, but tired legs of the American in front of me. And I wasn’t sure how much longer Isaac would last. On the streets, he had been dying. I had been counting the days.
Now… maybe this way… maybe we could keep the pieces together.


Dead Beginnings: A breeze drifted by aimlessly, startling me out of my reverie. I realized in the silence, that I’d been dreaming again. The child never existed! I furiously berated myself for dreaming. I didn’t have time for mistakes in my line of work, but I found myself dwelling on the one mistake, I couldn’t fix. I couldn’t forget.
Two years ago, almost exactly. I had tried to stop the pregnancy to avert the disaster before anyone could be harmed. The sad truth was, I had succeeded.
The only one I couldn’t stop from hurting was me. Everyday I’d been haunted by the image, no the vision of who those luminescent, ethereal brown eyes could have been. Who they were already.
And I hated myself. That was it. Everyday I hit the wall. The Dead Ends.


Perhaps Not: She’d thought the empty house could bring new beginnings, yet the resounding silence reminded her of just how long it had been since someone,
anyone
had called.
As the steady dripping of her drying tears faded into silence, she wondered just how long it would be until someone noticed she was gone.


Starting Over in Silence: It was funny, looking back. At the moment, Tia leaving had been just the next thing that happened. It wasn’t a huge inciting incident. It wasn’t a drastic tragedy. It just was. It was the next thing.Real silence.She hadn’t expected it to be so loud.
The final wave goodbye. The engine’s rumble faded away.Turning she surveyed the random debris from six energetic girls, women really, leaving the small house they’d come to love together. This step was supposed to be the one that mattered. Choosing a career. Finding a spouse. Continuing your education.
In general, the people who had come and gone on frantic friday evenings, slow mondays, wednesdays…each person had given her something. And here she was. Holding the things they’d given her. Clutching the air desperately, her empty fists struck out at imagined demons and fleeting shadows.


Announced: Susan enjoyed this little jaunt down the lane every morning. The crisp fresh air, the light sunshine, and the excitement of receiving mail, even if it was only bill notices, always felt like a good way to start off her day.
And today, she had something to mail.
Pulling open the mailbox, she noticed an extra thick envelope. The formal creamy color and texture of the envelope intrigued her. Splicing open the end of the letter, two small photos slipped onto the gravel walkway.
Swiftly she retrieved the pictures and slid open the elegantly embossed card. It read:
We are dismayed to announce the divorce of Johnathan and Sara Richardson. After five sequential years of marriage, their divorce will be finalized at 255 Lily Dr at the law firm of Smith, Call and Lands. Any correspondence should be sent to the enclosed addresses of the specified parties. Johnathan and Sara would like to thank you for your support and love during this difficult time.
Slowly her stack of sealed letters scattered with the wind.


Announcements: “Enough? How can you say that love isn’t enough? That’s all we had, and now we have so much more than that. Look what we’ve been able to build. Together. “
“Jonathan- I… you know as well as I do, we’ve been done for a long time. “
“I just can’t- It can’t be done! After all of this, we just abandon everything and walk away? “
“One foot in front of the other. The same way we got into this.”
“Maybe that’s how you got into this. Me? I jumped.”
“My only hesitation, is… how do we tell everyone?”
“I don’t know Sara. Maybe we can tell them the same way we got into it. Announcements.”


Waiting to hear: Time had passed. and unlike so many cliches and fortune cookie sayings, it had not passed quickly.
The memory of him gazing at me through the dusty flecked windshield was permanently inscribed on that day.
The snow outside belied the fact that it could ever be swelteringly hot here. So hot, the sweat seems to roll in rivers down my back.
Now six months later ,the little moisture to be found in the air seemed to glaze over the numerous goosebumps on my arms.
I slipped into my coat, and reached into my gloves looking for some lost warmth.
I slowly trudged down the driveway. It stretched endlessly down to the old rusty faithful mailbox.
In what seemed to take hours I finally turned to fumble at the handle. The thick fingers of my gloves made grasping anything a very elusive task. So I risked the inevitable, slipped one hand out of it’s sanctuary, and flipped the mailbox open.
The musty smell, and taunting clang of the emptiness were all too familiar for someone who just needed relief from fear.


Slant Eyed Focus: I closed my eyes and struggled to remember what the paper had said.
The sweat dripped slowly, oh so slowly down my eyelid and slipped through the vanguard of eyelashes to rest, stinging my eye.
Needs to focus That’s what it had said!
was that why dad left us? Mom said he loved me, but maybe I just hadn’t focused enough.
How do you focus on something?
How do you focus on something?
How do you focus on something?
dictionary dictionary dictionary. I need to know.
FOCUS : Main emphasis concentrated effort or attention on a particular thing, area of concern, sharpness of image, focal point disease origin point on cone, adjust lens adjust vision…
but none of those things make sense. I can focus just fine. tommy was the one who couldn’t see right. He lived on the next block…Why did I need focus?
But Mom said to always listen to the teacher, so I picked up the paper, screwed my eyes up to a squint, and tried again.
Nothing changed.


Distances: These words aren’t personal. They’re descriptive.
Each character is inscribed by cold hard lines.
I can’t get close enough to feel the empathy I eloquently phrase.
Couched in rhythmic sweet tones of pure irony I write what I cannot feel.
From the tip of my pen to the paper seems immeasurable to the throbbing of my heart.


Picture Perfect Memory: Side by side. Moment by moment. The memories were drawn together and woven through the holes in my memory were rosebeds waiting to bloom. Rust colored skies, bright blue bikes, yellow sparrows, green grass, all fenced in by a black thread of honesty. The thorns crept through the vanguard of truth to catch at my shirtsleeves and shred my pride with what I’m hiding.
The colours ran with each tear I shed.
Which was odd, because I didn’t think colored pencil color could bleed.
The tip of my finger swept up some sapphire tears and I tasted freedom, clean freedom.
The red sky I’d sketched smelled bitter.
I saw the green, green grass and visions of success came with waves of dollar bills.
I heard the yellow birds chirping, and I thought it was joy.
I felt the black edged picture shake with fear.
I found a new crisp white sheet of paper and I felt hope.

Sitting on a shelf, Waiting: No! It’s not fair. Why is it that Alex gets to leave? What makes it so that I’m the one standing here watching. . . watching him walk away. He should have to know how it feels. He said change would be good. He said that- it doesn’t matter what he said. It matters what I say. It matters what I do. I hate being left. I hate being right. He drove away just the way I knew he would. A sincere, trite, wornout apology. I’ll put it back on the shelf, he’ll find it when he comes back. As he always does.

Word Vomit 2: Then vomit was everywhere. All over him.
Apparently words were the only thing I couldn’t get out.
Word Vomit: It all started upside down. Well perhaps it was up.
And that was the problem.
I could feel everything inside me trying to right itself.
I resisted. I would just let it all out.
Then the world turned.
“He rescued me! How dare he rescue me!” I could feel myself protesting feebly as my lips were fervently sucking away at the rim of the cup trying to wash away the scent of vomit from the back of my mouth.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.
I turned to give a grade A tongue lashing to what I assumed would be an overeager, but thoroughly charming young man.
Unfortunately I was all too correct on the thoroughly charming part.
” I…” “I…”
For the second time in as many minutes I was speechless.


Plop: PLOP !
Perspiration dripped, sliding, slowly, achingly down the salt trail left from the tears I had cried hours before. Alone with no one to see, it must not exist.
Lying face down on the dock, the little drop sent waves shimmering out into the lake.
Out there, a sylph catalogued my woes that were numbered by my tears and evidenced in concentric circles.
Patience , I think “time will ease my-” No. I want this pain to remind me. And the ripples ebb against the dock that I cannot leave.

Plop